The Death of My Composure

"One thought is all it took. Memories come flooding in. The bottle I keep tightly secured burst open as my mind ran through my past. My stomach turns inside of me; my chest increasingly tightens as my breathing becomes short and rapid. My legs start to shake instinctively as my body tries to calm me down. My arms go limp and all of my body feels weighed down with an unbearable burden. My weakness is revealed as emotions flood over me. My heart is heavy and feels like it has been pricked with a knife. Gradually the pain increases as though the dagger is being slowly pushed through my chest. In defense, my chest is constricted, yet in desperation my timid breaths quicken but seem to provide no aid to life. In an instant, I realize what is happening and try to redirect my mind before tears stream down my cheeks as I sit silent in a crowded room. Surrounded by people who love me, and yet I feel all alone- unseen, unheard, unnoticed. I swiftly make my way to the door, my only escape, because of my failed attempt to keep the bottle of memories sealed. As I walk to the bathroom, I hope and pray no one sees my face. Then as soon as I am in the safety of the stall, my body crumbles to the floor as I begin to feel some sort of physical release for the first time in what feels like hours, but in reality has only been a few minutes. I cry out to the Lord in anguish as I finally admit to myself...I am homesick. Homesickness was the death of my composure." Havannah Foster (October 26, 2021)

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This was an anxiety attack I experienced a few years ago. Probably the worst one I have ever had and was prompted by memories of my family who lived eight hours away. Only a few months before this event, I moved to Wisconsin from Kansas City to attend a Bible School for two years. I have moved so many times in my life that I did not expect the transition out of my home after high school to be such a hard one for me. This led my analytical brain to stir and search of reasons as to why I was so heavily effected by this move. I was sad when I left my family and the goodbyes were difficult, but I thought I would adjust perfectly fine when I arrived at the school. When I started processing, I realized that I depended so much on my family as we walked through those major life transitions together over the course of my life. I always had my brother and sisters and parents to seek comfort and guidance from, but this move caused me to start over completely on my own, separate from my family. For the first time in my life I only had God to depend on. Of course, I had started making some friendships, but none of them were on the same level of depth and understanding that I share with my family. They were my consistency and stability. I realized I needed to seek God more to fill the pit of loneliness in my heart, but because my habit was always to turn to my brother or sisters when I was lonely, I deeply struggled to make God my best friend and deepest confidant. I turned to new friendships and sought attention from guys instead of spending my time setting my heart on the immovable Rock and the only One who could truly fill my lonely heart. It has taken years to become best friends with my Savior first, to seek His will for my life without going to the people closest to me for advice and affirmation, and to be confident in the fact that I will never be alone. My man-pleasing heart has slowly been torn apart and is being rebuilt with a heart cry for the Lord and to serve Him alone. Of course I still love and miss my family dearly. I still go to them for advice and instruction. They are still the closest people in my life, but now nothing will usurp the place and authority God holds in my heart. He has transformed my lonely heart, full of anxiety, to a heart overflowing with peace, joy, and contentment.

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, 
in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2