Days 3-4: Reverting

These next two days have not been my ideal morning. I am trying my best to not get discouraged and condemn myself for not keeping to my new schedule everyday as I aspire to form these new habits. There needs to be room for growth and grace. I often hold myself to an unreasonable unattainable standard which I fail to reach every day. This standard of perfection that I create in my head only brings disappointment and anxiety in my life. It imposes the idea that to be worth anything and to be good at anything, I need to be perfect at it. This continuously crushes my joy and excitement in working hard and making progress because I feel as though I am failing. Over the last few years I became more aware of these tendencies in my heart; I started to dig to find the root of where these perfectionist ideas and pressures were coming from. When I was growing up I longed for the approval and acceptance of everyone around me. I always wanted to do things well so that no one would have anything bad to say against me, and I succeeded for the most part. However, this put unnecessary pressure on myself to never mess up, fail, or make someone angry at me. I often did not feel comfortable asking for help because I thought that it showed weakness and failure. I did not like to try new things if I was not sure that I would be good at it for the fear of potentially failing in front of people. I would try new things by myself first before presenting it to other people. This was all rooted in pride and fear. Over the last years, I have worked to break down these habits and fears in my heart. I have pushed myself to ask questions even if I feel as though I should already know the answer. I have learned to embrace failure in front of people when I am learning and trying new things. I have learned that progress takes time and no matter how hard I try, perfection will always be unattainable because we are all sinful and fallen humans. There is no joy in fear and there is progress even through failing. Shortcomings and flaws do not define a person and do not attribute worth to them. My identity is rooted in Christ alone and when I humble myself as a learner, I enjoy the process, and I usually do not care about what people think of me. When I am focused on serving my King and creating a life that represents Him, I am far less anxious about what others will have to say.

So yes, I did not get up at 4:50 like I wanted to the past two days. But I was still able to have amazing days and pursue loving God and others. Having good healthy habits and disciplines in life is a great thing, but it should never become an idle and take the place of what truly matters. So I will choose to not let it discourage me. Tomorrow is a brand new day which is never guaranteed so I will live today as though it is my last. There is no time for fearing failure or others opinions. I already know the only opinion that matters, and I will invest my life in knowing Him more and making Him known to others.